Visual Orgasm

All the random things i keep in my heart.

i guess im this mean because i don’t want to get hurt  ,this is my only way of defense.

i built a wall so strong that nothing can break it.

not even recent heartbreaks, i closed my heart to everything around me except for myself.

i don’t find myself talking to my teammates as often as i use to.

i find some people beyond annoying , some people are trying so hard its such a turn off , but i always remind myself i gotta be nice so i just patronize them and laugh it off.

its ironic because i built a wall to protect myself , but somehow i inflicted more pain on myself.

i can’t even love anymore. I’m not gonna blame anyone but myself . I caused myself to be like this.

I don’t need teammates , i don’t need friends , i don’t need love.

Because at the end of the day , no matter how nice you are , people always take you for granted.

They always come to you when they have a problem but when you have one yourself , they are no where to be seen. And to think i use to put these people as priority in my life.

some friends.

But its okay , I’ve already accepted it.

Right now recruitment is whats important.

Some people don’t put their sport as their priority anymore , its understandable for those with work commitments , but for the others who skipped training because they couldn’t wake up on time or they are just too plain lazy , im sorry to say this but , FUCK YOU. I’m not gonna waste my time begging people who don’t even respect this sport to stay. Fine , i’ll try once or twice. Three times and thats it. You wanna come or not , its your fucking problem

As much as i hate to admit it , i think the team is falling apart and i do hope the newer batch of rowers can be more passionate and committed about dragonboat , take the places of people who can’t be bothered and regain what the team used to be.

I always have this sentence replayed during every single training.

” I don’t care if i become the most hated person in the team , as long as it gets the discipline up , so be it. “

All these disappointments strengthens me as a stronger and a firmer person.

If people leave …… i’ll do whatever it takes to train back my team.

I’ll only keep people who are mentally strong. I don’t need people who lack discipline in the team , it only drags down the team and cause unnecessary trouble.

Last thing i wanna say is, if you don’t care about me , then don’t talk to me.

I don’t need people who only treat me like an option , i deserve to be treated a priority.

Don’t fucking come to me when you have a problem and leave when i have one myself.

fuck you , fuck all of you.

& i’ll never forget all the good memories , they will accompany me when im alone.

i give up finding the right one.